Give it a rest already

So Monday was actually the day for bitterness. I didn't realize it until I woke up yesterday morning; yesterday was the day for depression. My phone rang at 7:51 a.m. and I couldn't fall back asleep, so I still didn't get to sleep in.

I laid on the couch and watched Because I Said So with Diane Keaton and Mandy Moore. It was cute, but it made me cry too. I was on the verge of tears all day yesterday, but I mostly felt just "there", if that makes any sense. I wasn't sad, or angry, or tired, or anything. I kinda felt numb in a weird sense of the word.

I decided that I should go shopping at Kohl's to try to feel better, or just feel something. I jumped in the shower and spent a long time just getting ready. Why, I don't know, but I wanted to spend the extra time curling my hair. It's been a long time since I primped in front of the mirror, and so I just did it.

I stopped by Good Times to eat lunch first. I parked and went in to order instead of going through the drive-thru. I got my food and sat outside at a table by myself. There was a couple of guys sitting near me, probably on their lunch break from work, they were in shirts and ties. Then there was a grandma and a young girl and even younger boy sitting outside too. I sat and watched them through the mask of my sunglasses. The little boy couldn't sit still. He wasn't sitting at the table with them, instead he sat on a bench right next to it. The girl and grandma sat exchanging secrets back & forth. Every once in a while I could hear the girl complaining about the songs they were playing on the outdoor speaker system. I'm pretty sure it was John Lennon's "Instant Karma" where he sings "we all shine on". She said it was the worst song ever made. I actually chuckled to myself; I can't disagree with her. I'm not a big Lennon or Beatles fan.

Then I went shopping. Really, all I needed was an extra pair of sunglasses. I tried a lot of things on. Thankfully, I wasn't in a mood, well any kind of mood at all, so most things didn't look overly appealing on me. Even if it was just a so-so, I put it back. While I was trying on at least 15 items, I overheard the dressing room attendant giving a woman a hard time about only bringing 5 items into the dressing room. It was literally a 2-3 minute lashing. The woman kept saying that everything else in her arms was for her children, and the attendant wouldn't have any of it. The woman actually counted her items out loud to the attendant, and she still had to leave the kid's clothes outside the dressing room. Then the attendant had the gall to pre-scold her about not leaving anything in the dressing room when she was done. Thank God that lady wasn't there when I walked in. I probably would have unleashed on her. I was about ready to walk out and start defending the other shopper! Seriously, it was the middle of the afternoon on a weekday and there were several other dressing rooms open. I could understand if it had been a Saturday morning, during a giant sale, and they had 20 women lined up waiting for a dressing room. Anyway, I got a couple pairs of sunglasses, a sun hat, a pair of pants, several tops, and several pairs of new undies. I had a coupon for an extra 15% off, and the cashier gave it back to me since it doesn't expire until Saturday. That was nice of her.

When I got home, there was another movie, Prime, in the mail from Blockbuster. We had started watching it on Sunday night, but it was scratched so we only got halfway through it. I returned the scratched one and we got the new one yesterday. Jeremy hadn't been crazy about the first half, so I watched the second half by myself. It was pretty bad. In fact, the last half was worse than the first half was. Don't bother.

I watched t.v. for a while, just snuggling with Reese. She was a cuddle bug all day yesterday. I got my SJ CIAB with the mail yesterday and some stuff I had ordered from Target online arrived yesterday too. I wasn't even excited about opening those packages.

Then I got ready to meet Jeremy down by his office for dinner. He made reservations at The Melting Pot last night, which is my all-time favorite restaurant. We don't eat there but once a year because it's so pricey. My car was short on gas, but I had been planning all day to wait to fill up until I got close to Jeremy's office since he'd told me about this place that was only $2.85/gal (compared to $2.95+ everywhere else in town). I finally get down there, have to go around the block because I missed the turn the first time, pull up next to the pump and realize I didn't bring ANY money with me. No cash, no checks, no cards. I had switched purses and only put the essentials (lipstick, camera, phone, and I.D.) in the new one. I had to have been on fumes, and I get really uncomfortable when I get down to empty. My car tells me how many miles I have left before I need to fill up, and when it gets down to about 42 miles, it starts flashing. It wasn't even registering a number anymore, just flashing dashed lines. I at least made it to Jeremy's office.

Sometimes it still amazes me how perfect Jeremy is for me. He took me, a depressed person with no phyical emotion, and softened me into my old self. He bought me flowers and a sweet card. We had a great time at dinner and laughed a lot. The food was amazing, but even better, my company was amazing.

So, if you hadn't figured it out already, I did call in sick to work yesterday. That sent my mom over the edge because she had called to make sure I wasn't taking yesterday off so that she could send me flowers at work. They'r e the flowers that show up in the box and you have to assemble them in the vase yourself, so she was panicked that the flowers would sit there in the box all day and die, but she didn't want to tell me because it was supposed to be a surprise.

And apparently the office went all out yesterday getting doughnuts for my birthday, putting balloons in my office. Okay, this NEVER happens, so why am I made to feel bad today about not coming in yesterday to soak up all the attention. Seriously, we don't do anything for anyone's birthday. I even got an email today from a gal on an Albuquerque project wishing me happy birthday, and she knew that I was out sick yesterday and disappointed the office. People are stopping by my office to wish me a belated birthday, and then they're put off when I don't respond with a giddy smile and thank you.

So here's the thing, I LOVE my birthday. Besides Christmas, it is my favorite day of the year. I have always gotten into the spirit of my birthday, thrown myself parties, and made a big deal out of it myself because as I got older, no one else did. There were a couple of years, when my mom was flying, that she didn't even call me on my birthday. So why is it now, the one birthday I'd rather not acknowledge, that could just pass as another day, that everyone in the world is making into such a big deal? Truly, I don't get it. And it makes me all the more frustrated and angry.

So today is another day for depression. I really honestly can't explain why I feel this way. I just do, and I can't help it.

To top it off, I found out today that my old boss died yesterday. He was such a role model, and is the reason I pursued my degree in construction management and got to where I am today. He will be deeply missed. The funeral is on Friday, and I wouldn't miss it for the world.
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